And Olives Are Between the Mayonnaise and Vineger

I don’t think I’ve yet ranted here about the usability of grocery stores. Every time I’m in one, I think about writing, and then when I get home I’m just so happy to be gone from there that I simply forget to write. So.

First of all, if you’re married/engaged/have kids/etc, you might know of the simple pleasure of going shopping for groceries by yourself. At first, everything is a joy. “I can get EZ-Cheez! She’s not here to give me that look!” and such. But then, as you move down the relatively simple list she’s so helpfully made out for you, you find that you can’t find some of the items listed therein.

Like canned mushrooms. Or canned chiles, let’s say.

You backtrack and think of checking the produce aisle. But canned vegetables don’t belong next to the lively, young fresh ones. That just doesn’t seem right and you’re quickly proven right. But then! Then, at the height of your husbandly glory, you realize that there is in fact a canned vegetable asile. Canned! Vegetables! Mushrooms are vegetables! Chiles are vegetables! That’s where our phantom items must of course be.

Canned. Vegetables. Canned.

They’re not there. You look up, down, up down, moving slowly from one side to the other. Not a damn thing. No chiles, no mushrooms. So. You remember back to the by-gone days of shopping with your mother and remember that chiles are almost always next to the olives. You don’t see olives in this so-called “canned vegetables” aisle (which consists mostly of canned green beans) either. You start to think like the host of a reality-tv show: “If I can find the elusive canned olive, I find our prize: The Canned Chiles.”

You think that this approach will help, but it does not. You think of throttling a Safeway employee: Where are the damn chiles?! Why are they treated different in this crazy Safeway Taxonomy? Why can’t I think of where they might be-

Then you slightly remember an ‘Ethnic Foods’ aisle. Asian foods. Italian foods. HISPANIC FOODS. Which is of COURSE where they are: ‘hispanic foods.’ Why didn’t I think of that? you ask yourself. And then you remember: because CANNED VEGETABLES is where they LOGICALLY SHOULD BE.

And the olives were across the aisle. Ricotta cheese was in the back, next to the milk, right above the cottage cheese. But that’s a story for another day.

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